she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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