I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Randomize
