If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
