I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
