bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We are all done wearing pants today
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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