new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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