Moan for me like Helen Keller
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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