Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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