my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize