1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Randomize
