And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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