Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
