when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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