My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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