Are we in a gay sports bar?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
