I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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