On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You don't make any sense
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