Plan B is the new Plan A
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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