They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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