You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
