at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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