I haven't been this sober since birth.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
