brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize