I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
