Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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