In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize