shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
