I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I party with great urgency now.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
