Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I can't put those talents on a resume
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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