singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
