Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just high enough for therapy.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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