true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
