I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
