Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize