I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
