cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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