Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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