Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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