The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
