I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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