i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
