Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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