I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
