Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Well I just put wine in my tea
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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