And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
