You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
