Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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