You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
