I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
