just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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