Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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