Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
