I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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