Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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