Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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