ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
