awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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