I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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