I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
