1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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