Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
