Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
