I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
